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The Day He Left Us

28 Dec

“There is a sacredness in tears.”  Washington Irving

This has been an especially difficult holiday season for the family.  My second son, in his early fifties, lost his struggle with depression and alcoholism and took his life.  He did this eleven days before Christmas.  

You might think that my overriding emotion would be grief, but that’s not true for me.  Grief is in there but it’s mixed in with confusion, helplessness, and anger.  I almost wanted to add relief, but that would seem so heartless and I don’t want to appear to be heartless.  I want to be seen as the grieving mother.

But my son was difficult, headstrong, and a people pleaser.  He was difficult because he didn’t follow the rules about taking his meds.  He was headstrong  because he insisted on doing things his own way, a way that didn’t work 100 times, but a way he was sure, this time, would work.  And he was a people pleaser, forever putting himself last and giving when he had no more to give until he was financially and emotionally bankrupt.  Then his wrecked self would reach out to me or his siblings.    

There were also the good times when his quirky sense of humor would have us all in stitches.  And he was musically gifted and used his gift to make a living and entertain elderly, children, and his friends and family.

I wish I had some brilliant way to wrap up.  Instead, I’ll have to sit with this for a bit longer and find a way through my feelings.  I also want to find a way to honor him and his life.

Loveya – The Grandma